i had a strange dream last night. it was something that has me questioning the way my mind works.
in my dream last night, i was back in my old hometown, only it wasn't that anymore. it was like the same setting, but a new name.
i was the new shiny object at school, i can't remember if it was university or highschool, although with the way i was able to skip out on classes it must have been university with my old school uniforms? either way, it was weird.
anyway, i had a few friends, but the majority of the school ignored me. except the football team, cliche to the max i swear. anyway, they made fun of me, for some reason.
anyway. i got the bus home from scchool one day, and i decided that i needed to stop of at mc donalds or kfc to get some food. i don't know why, because that is not normally something i do, ever.
anyway, a guy from the football team followed me. it's funny because throughout this whole dream, he did not get named, he remained nameless while everyone else seemed to be dubed with a name.
anyway, i started to panic and get scared. so i skipped the food and went straight on home. or at least tried to.
he cornered me, and decieded that he wanted some. i fought back to the best of my ability, but he was physically stronger than me. it felt so real, i was kicking, screaming, scratching, yelling, i was doing everything i could to fight him off but nothing worked. no one bothered to come to my rescue, even though we were suddenly out the front of a police station.
he raped me and got away with it.
my crazy dream didn't end here though. my head tells me that i would be depressed and shit after this, but i barely was, i stayed away from school for two days and then went back and pretended nothing happened. i even avoided him like he avoided me.
cue four months later and i find out i am pregnant. in the drama of the dream, it took me forever to tell him because he was avoiding me like i was avoiding him.
anyway, i ended up moving out of home and getting my own appartment. where i found the money to do all this i don't know.
i continued to go to school as if being pregnant was not something that would make that hard.
in some form of complicated soap operah, me and this so called boy, managed to kind of make things up and i was determined to let him be part of the childs life. the child ended up being a boy i called david.
by the end of the dream, we were together and the rape had been tossed aside as being fine.
i don't understand how my mind works, because i don't care fo the circumstances, i would not be so willing to forgive anyone who betrayed me like that. or abused me like that.
needless to say i think my mind is fucked up.
i could dream about anything, and i dream about that.

i hate that i can't see the beauty in anything anymore.
everything is sucha chore.
the things i love are fading.
the ones that care are spacing.