Detox Just to Retox

I had a horrible night, something that has not happened to me in such a long time. I cried to myself, pressed alone in the dark corner, again sliding down the shower wall, water mixed with tears, everything drowned out.
I’ve got troubled thoughts and self esteem to match...
You’ll never catch us so just let me be...
I have been living in a bubble, a bubble where I pretend everything is so fine, everything is okay, that I am making progress, that I am achieving something, but it is all just bullshit.
I saw a movie today, something that wasn’t supposed to hit me in the way that it did. It was supposed to be some stupid teenage drama movie, but instead it had me crying and realising how selfish I am.
Some people spend their lives complaining about everything that is wrong in their lives, about every mistake ever made, they find something to make everything else seem bad, they look for their own unhappiness. There are some people who delude themselves into thinking that they actually live a life and are doing the ‘right’ and ‘normal’ things, but denying themselves their own happiness because it wouldn’t be ‘acceptable’. There are some people who don’t get to live for very long, and those people who get the raw end of the deal tend to live a better life than anyone who is given more years than they probably deserve.
I am one of ‘those’ people, I have a hard time being happy, I try to make myself decide what my perfect life would be, but I can’t. I am so selfish, I have all this time and here I am wasting it. Here I am unable to make myself get out of bed, unable to leave the house, too tired to do anything, too unmotivated to go to university, and there they are, doing everything they can to make every moment last.
It frustrates me that I have this stupid fucking gift, this life, and I am wasting it. I can’t decide what to do with it, and for the most of it I am depressed. I can’t seem to get past that, I just seem to be going in circles, I have no direction and every time I try I fail.
I look at this depression and I don’t find any solution or any cause. I haven’t been abused, I was never raped, I was barely bullied, I have such a charmed life in comparison to others who don’t suffer this stupid illness. I don’t see why I have it, I don’t understand why I can have all this stupid stuff, this amazing family, these supportive friends, and yet I am depressed. It makes no sense. I don’t feel like I am in a league worthy of feeling this way because so many people are worse off than me.
I can barely keep this charade up any longer. I get better to get worse, and right now I can feel myself just going through the motions but falling off the wagon. The worst part is I can never see an ending, I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, all I can see is this pit of never ending darkness, and I think all of this is me giving up hope that I will one day be ‘normal’. Sometimes I feel like I’d give anything not to be like this, but I don’t want to compromise being me, I just don’t want to be like this anymore.
All the mothers raised their babies to stay away from me...
The lives we lived are only golden plated...
I knew all the lights of the city were too heavy for me...
I so desperately want my life to amount to something so much more than it is, I want it to be easier than it has been. I want to be able to get out of bed, to freely walk down the street without wishing that I was in a dark room alone because I don’t feel like being around anyone who is smiling because I feel so pathetically dead inside.
I so desperately wish I could be able to keep studying, three times and I’m out, I can’t go through it again. I can’t put myself through that stress when I know that I will fall back down and not be able to do it. I tried, I try, yet I still fail, I still can’t get to class, I still feel uneasy in that place, no matter who it is that is sitting next to me.
I have no direction anymore. In high school it was easy to fake it, it was easy to pretend that I was okay, but now everything is so much harder. It is so much harder to pretend that I am okay, that I can do something when I know that if I wasn’t pushing myself so god damn hard all the time I wouldn’t have even tried.
I need this deliberating weight to be lifted off my shoulders but it feels like it is only getting heavier. I swim in circles, and it is slowly breaking me down. I feel like each time I go back it might be my last. I don’t know how long I can keep going up and down, I don’t know how long I can go through these emotions without snapping in the worst possible way.
I’m loosing faith in everything, and for the worst part, in myself. I don’t feel like I can do this anymore, I feel like I am loosing grip.