I want to travel the world.
Pack everything up and go somewhere new.
I don't want to so it alone,
But I don't think there is anyone I know that I want to share it with.
It's like I'm a half of something.
Food for thought.

Friends demanding attention is not an endearing quality.
I'm all for the needing someone,
but every night is a bit excessive.
I need my own time too.
I need time to think.
I just want to get my head screwed on right so I can function.
I need some answers to thing that just won't move fast enough.
Waiting for mail is overrated.
Waiting for someone to make up their mind is like watching a clock tick.
Things need to move.

Don't forget. I never said it wouldn't hurt. Ever.

I'm feeling a little renewed.
I've made some good changes in my life.
Both physically and mentally.
I think I am ready for "the next stage" or whatever.
I don't think I could feel any more ready.
I'm going to take it as it comes and hope for the best.
After all, I can't control anything.
I should know better sometimes.
It always starts and ends in the same place.
The middle is always the blurr.
I love the laughs we all share, even if they can be a little forceful.
Tell me you love me.
It's what I want (need) to hear.
I'll move on in my own good time.
You can't rush a master piece.
Life is what you make it.
It is every minute that ticks by.
Every second you count down.
I think I am doing okay.
At least for today.

And Yes, I want this to work out.
Yes, I want to shut my eyes, click my heels and make it happen.
I want I want I want I want I want I want
Another chance at life.
Another chance to live.
Another time to love.
Another moment to laugh.
I want to spend some time with you.

"From Now On We Are Enemies" -Fall Out Boy

'I just want to be better than your head's only medicine'
A downward spiral just a pirouette
Getting worse til there's nothing left
What good comes of something when I'm just the ghost of nothing?
'I'm just the man on the balcony singing':
"Nobody will ever remember me,"
Rejoice, rejoice and fall to your knees
(for a)
Lunatic of a god or a god of a lunatic?
Oh, their faces are dancing
They're dancing til
Til they can't stand it
A composer but never composed
Singing the symphonies of the overdosed
A composer but never composed
'Singing':
"I only want what I can't have"
'Heralded as a king before I had a birthday
With double digits
Fit the crown to my head but I was only a kid'
'I'm just the man on the balcony singing':
"Nobody will ever remember me,"
Rejoice, rejoice and fall to your knees
(for a)
Lunatic of a god or a god of a lunatic?
Oh, their faces are dancing
They're dancing til
Til they can't stand it
A composer but never composed
Singing the symphonies of the overdosed
A composer but never composed
'Singing':
"I only want what I can't have"
'I just want to be better than your head's only medicine'
'I'm just the man on the balcony singing':
"Nobody will ever remember me,"
Rejoice, rejoice and fall to your knees
(for a)
Lunatic of a god or a god of a lunatic?
Oh, their faces are dancing
They're dancing til
Til they can't stand it
A composer but never composed
Singing the symphonies of the overdosed
A composer but never composed
'Singing'
"I only want what I can't have"

everything happens for a reason
i have to keep telling myself that
i might not see it now
but there is a reason that it happened
life continues even when you want it to stop
the world turns
people laugh
people cry
we love
we hurt
it just keeps going
nothing lasts forever
but nothing ever really ends
memories are eternal

I think I had another "life changing" event in my life today. They always seem to come around when you least expect it, usually from situations you wouldn't think they'd come from.
Today I went at saw Christopher Gutierrez speak for the second time in my life. The first time was 7 months ago, give or take. He's nothing special, just a normal guy who has lived a somewhat ordinary life, sure it has had many moments of amazing and what not, but he will be the last person on the planet to ever think of himself as anything more important than you or I.
His speaking today made me overthink things, and look at things from a different perspective. It even made me look back at some of the things that made me the person I am, those small events that we all close off and try to forget because lord knows we might not exactly be proud of them. He makes me look at those times in a different light.
I am a firm believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason" and what not. I do think that things are meant to happen and they happen for a reason. I think we can learn something from everything we do, sometimes it just takes a long time to realize the lesson.
So I am sitting here blogging, because the internet seems to be a massive part of everyone's lives these days. But I am seriously rethinking everything about my life right now, including some of the friends I have.
I guess I am at a "crossroads" or something, because I don't know where I am going or even what I am doing. I'll figure it all out, a little bit at a time.
I can honestly say that I haven't felt this way in a while. It's almost like I've hit a brick wall and it's time for me to make up my mind with how I am going to get through it. Do I break it down? Climb over it? Blow it up?
There are so many choices and it is hard to know what is the right one, but I at least know there can't be a wrong one. There can't be a wrong answer when it comes to making life choices, just a long way round and a series of lessons learnt the hard way.
Another thing that really hit hard today was being the person you really want to be. Living your own life deliberate.
I try to be the best person I can be, but I think that is a little different from living your life the way you want to. I strive to be the best and treat people fairly, but that doesn't exactly mean I am becoming the person I want to be. I still haven't decided what I want to be. Do I want to be a writer? A musician? A teacher? A doctor? What is it that I want to be?
I want to push myself to live this amazing life, but I always feel like I come up short because I either don't know where to start or think that my life could never be as amazing as someone else's already is. I critic myself in the harshest possible way.
I can feel the wheels turning and my brain ticking over, I know that I'll be thinking about this for ages, trying to get my life on the right track and wondering how it is that I, this small person, fit into the big picture, or even what my purpose is.

I wish that you'd just bite the bullet and make a move.
Rejection is always painful though, and this holds us all back.
I'm not going to pretend like I'm not scared.
I'm scared.
I wish that wishing made any difference in the world.
I gave up on it a long time ago.
Doesn't mean I don't want it to happen.
It just means that I am distancing myself from getting hurt.
I always do this.
It feels safer.
I'm not perfect.
We all want love and to be loved. The truth is that it is all around us all the time.
Our family loves us.
Our friends love us.
Our pets love us.
Our version of God loves us.
Strangers love us.
I love the idea of us.
Sometimes I give up on thinking there is a 'Jack' for me, or a 'Sid'.
Sometimes I give up on ever thinking I'll be happy.
Then I remember that happiness comes and goes. It's not ever a constant.
When it's here I'm awesome.
When it's gone I'm in agony.
I smile at all the bright lights of the city.
They're the only thing I see at night.
The stars seem too far away.
I'll dream about how good we could be.
And I'll never live up to how hard I dream.

he was in my dream last night.
i just need a moment where i am not thinking about anything.

I wish you were here right now. Right this second. I want your arms around me.
I just want you.
Thanks for the text out of the blue. It restored a little faith from me to you.

"When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it.

And my momma swore
that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But Darling,
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

Maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways
to make it alone.
Keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I had sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness.

Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

Well you are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

I've got a tight grip on reality,
but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
I know you're leaving in the morning
when you wake up.
Leave me with some kind of proof its not a dream.

You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

I'm on my way to believing
And I'm on my way to believing"

-Paramore, 'The Only Exception'

"Next time you point a finger,

I might have to bend it back and break it off,

Next time you point a finger,

I'll point you to the mirror"

-Paramore

I'm excited for tomorrow night.
Hopefully it will be fun and I won't have to think about you.
I need the universe to stop telling me you exist.
Slow. Let's take it slow.

I go from happy to sad or disconent so often I forget what it feels like to just to feel a stable emotion.
Life is so full on sometimes that I just want to pull the covers over my head and disappear into my bed/head.
I have this place I keep my thoughts where I don't have to own up to them. It makes them feel safe.
I pretend to be busy sometimes just so I can take a breath. Everyone needs to take stock of their lives every now and then.
The fact that you make my head spin is a good thing, but the way that I can't stop thinking about every little thing we do/say has me going crazy. Not a good kind of crazy, the crazy that makes me wonder if things are really happening or if I am making them up.
I haven't felt this way in a while, I haven't let myself. The walls always come crashing down.
Time's a bastard. We always think it's on our side, but then it all runs out and we have nothing left. I feel like there is a clock ticking next to my ear, reminding me of every second that passes. We never wait for those that get left behind.
Living in memories is living in the past, and that is where my head wanders. Piece together the stories of the photographs that line the walls, the people that pass on the street. I want to make memories that have me smiling when I am old and no one wants to talk to me.
Movies go on repeat to remind me of the way life could be, but never will be because there is no script, no perfect line and no perfect kiss. It just gives us something to hope for in the end.

I want to not be disappointed. Please let it be something that I can use as an anthem of my life right now. I own you, yet I haven't listened to you.

I'm sick of backwards forward ups and downs.
I hate that I haven't seen you in forever, I'm dying just for a hug.
The house is empty and I've never felt more alone.



I hate that I am falling in so many directions right now.
My heart wants me to go all in.
My head tells me it's not worth the pain.
I'm overthinking everything,
And I'm not so sure about anything anymore.

Just when I give up you call me beautiful.
My head is spinning.

"There goes my hero,
Watch him as he goes,
There goes my hero,
He's ordinary"

Everywhere I look there is a God damn reminder of you.
Your name is drawn into the concrete.
It's like you've taken over my head.
I know I like you, but I don't want to be obsessed with you.
Give me my head back.

I can't help but feel so content and happy right now.
I don't remember what it was like to have these butterflies.
I've had them before but I don't remember.
He makes me smile, but he probably doesn't realize it.
He makes me laugh, even when things are not funny.
Even being a friend makes me happy.
It's time to get back to liking the simple things.
just so I can remember how great all these things feel.

I'm just going to follow my heart.
I should have been doing this all along.

This all feels weird.
This is not like me.
I want it bad, but can't have it.
Gonna have to sleep this one off.
Everything just needs a cold shower.

sometimes I forget that I exist.

Does being nervous imply I actually care?
Or is it just because I am entering the unknown?
There are so many firsts in this life,
And so many things that you never care for until it is too late.
I think I have butterflies.
Everything makes me smile.
But that doesn't mean it is right.

refresh refresh refresh refresh
just waiting for that lifeline to come and save me

Forever and Always
It's Only Half Past The Point Of No Return

"Have you ever fed a lover with just your hands?
Close your eyes and trust it, just trust it
Have you ever thrown a fist full of glitter in the air?
Have you ever looked fear in the face
And said I just don't care

It's only half past the point of no return
The tip of the ice burg
The sun before the burn
The thunder before lightning
The breathe before the fraze
Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone?
You're whole life waiting on the ring to prove you're not alone
Have you ever been touch so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside?

It's only half past the point of oblivion
The hourglass on the table
The walk before the run
The breathe before the kiss
And the fear before the flames
Have you ever felt this way?

La La La La La La La La

There you are, sitting in the garden
Clutching my coffee,
Calling me sugar
You called me sugar

Have you ever wished for an endless night?
Lassoed the moon and the stars and pulled that rope tight
Have you ever held your breathe and asked yourself will it ever get better than tonight?
Tonight"


-'Glitter in the air', P!nk

       "From childhood's hour I have not been
      As others were; I have not seen
      As others saw; I could not bring
      My passions from a common spring.
      From the same source I have not taken
      My sorrow; I could not awaken
      My heart to joy at the same tone;
      And all I loved, I loved alone.
      Then- in my childhood, in the dawn
      Of a most stormy life- was drawn
      From every depth of good and ill
      The mystery which binds me still:
      From the torrent, or the fountain,
      From the red cliff of the mountain,
      From the sun that round me rolled
      In its autumn tint of gold,
      From the lightning in the sky
      As it passed me flying by,
      From the thunder and the storm,
      And the cloud that took the form
      (When the rest of Heaven was blue)
      Of a demon in my view."

-Edgar Allen Poe, 'Alone'

head moving faster than my body
taking all the strength in the world not to scream
counting to keep my breathing even
don't panic don't panic don't panic don't panic don't panic

"I'm holding out and I'm holding on
to every letter and every song.
I pulled myself out of the day we ever had to meet.
Are you through with me?

So..

And when it all goes to hell,
will you be able to tell
me you're sorry with a straight face.

Let's Go!

I'm all ears and I'm all scars
to hear you tell me "Boy's like you, you try too hard
to look not quite as desperate". I'm hanging on.
But I still know the way to make your makeup run.

So..

And when it all goes to hell,
will you be able to tell
me you're sorry with a straight face.

And when it all goes to hell, (Take this to your grave)
will you be able to tell
me you're sorry with a straight face. (I'll take it to mine)

And when it all goes to hell
And when it all goes."

-Fall Out Boy, "The Patron Saint of Liars and Fakes"

you are not the sum of your mistakes, but the beautiful result of every success you ever had.

I want to do nothing but dream tonight.
I miss remembering what dreams were made of.

sometimes i am so tired i can barely open my eyes
i've been dreaming you up all day long
tossing and turning with sleep as my enemy
sometimes i get so tired i can barely keep it up

I don't think we're ever meant to truly have it together,
but I like pretending that one day I will have suddenly changed everything.
I guess when things go bad it's hard to think about them ever getting better,
but then they do in the strangest of ways.
I find myself being grateful for the friends I do have,
Imaginary and real.
I still miss the old days,
And sometimes I wonder if I was ever really meant to exist in this time and place.
I can't help but think if everyone else thinks the same way I do.
Sometimes I feel alone in everything and that doesn't scare me.
Most of the time I feel alone in everything and that is the scariest thing in the world.
In the end, we are all alone when we die,
And I want to be able to tell myself that I lived my life to the best,
That I really am an okay person.
Sometimes I have strange dreams,
Sometimes I have nightmares.
More often than not I'm just glad to be breathing.

"I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man thats gonna put her 1st
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But not wise words gonna stop the bleeding
Cos she's moved on while I'm still grieving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven

What am I suppose to do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)

You got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame.
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
Cos you left me with no love, no love to my name.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just prayed to a god that I don't believe in
Cos I got time while she got freedom
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't break even

What am I gonna do when the best part of me was always you
What am I suppose to say when I'm all choked up and your ok
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other ones leaving
Cos when a heart breaks no it don't breakeven)"

-The Script, 'Breakeven'

"dylan went electric.
so did we.
but in my head kind of only.
nobody cared.
its hard being careless, even harder to be carefree.
i fight walls in hotel rooms more than i have ever slept next to someone in them.
tricking yourself into thinking you matter enough for someone to remember to forget you is the best kind of magic of all.
it is fast and hard.
ive seen yr world. ive breathed in it and written of it.
i dont care for it though.
i dont read your reviews or your clippings anymore.
i try not to obsess over obsession.
im lonely but like a cigarette. im always being smoked.
put to mouths and then put out.
my mouth moves faster than my head ever could and lets not even speak of the words at my finger tips.
they are never thought through.
they just come and come.
like light under the door.
sometimes poets speak with their fists.
trying to write my way out of everything.
it was simple to write "wouldnt piss to put you out" and "kiss her, kiss her".
its a bit harder to mean anything to myself.
its a shame that the days that are glorified are the ones i just wish would fade.
sleep on a curb. wake up with a smile.
dream of sometime better."

we all want to be so original
but we're all so un-original.

friend

–noun
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?
4. a member of the same nation, party, etc.
5. (initial capital letter) a member of the Religious Society of Friends; a Quaker.
–verb (used with object)
6. Rare. to befriend.
—Idiom
7. make friends with, to enter into friendly relations with; become a friend to.
Origin:
bef. 900; ME friend, frend, OE frēond friend, lover, relative (c. OS friund, OHG friunt (G Freund), Goth frijōnds), orig. prp. of frēogan, c. Goth frijōn to love

Related forms:
friendless, adjective
friend⋅less⋅ness, noun

Synonyms:
1. comrade, chum, crony, confidant. 2. backer, advocate. 4. ally, associate, confrere, compatriot.

Antonyms:
1, 4. enemy, foe.

Word History:
A friend is a lover, literally. The relationship between Latin amīcus "friend" and amō "I love" is clear, as is the relationship between Greek philos "friend" and phileō "I love." In English, though, we have to go back a millennium before we see the verb related to friend. At that time, frēond, the Old English word for "friend," was simply the present participle of the verb frēon, "to love." The Germanic root behind this verb is *frī-, which meant "to like, love, be friendly to." Closely linked to these concepts is that of "peace," and in fact Germanic made a noun from this root, *frithu-, meaning exactly that. Ultimately descended from this noun are the personal names Frederick, "peaceful ruler," and Siegfried, "victory peace." The root also shows up in the name of the Germanic deity Frigg, the goddess of love, who lives on today in the word Friday, "day of Frigg," from an ancient translation of Latin Veneris diēs, "day of Venus."

I am free to do whatever I want tomorrow.
Right now I think I will spend most of the day in bed, writing.

I am writing again, for the first time in a long time.

Sometimes I make myself sick with how selfish I am.
I make every little thing about me.
I need to stop thinking of myself all the time.

Today is one of those days where I wish I never woke up.

"Rockstars are unimpressive. Kids with golden hearts who sing and smile for all the right reasons own my soul"
-Christopher Gutierrez

"Rebecca has a temper. She uses this as a defense mechanism when she doesn't understand how to handle a situation. Temper is a hostile trait used to protect the ego. Temper can be a negative personality trait in the eyes of those around her."

Interesting.

-Yes I made it.

"I am only as free as you imagine me to be" -Ratatoulie

I just don't want to be obsolete.

"Wake up to despise a world I once loved
Why would you bring me in if you knew what youd become
Curse everyone and everything even the sun, Draw the blinds
I want to be tucked in and put back to sleep only like a dog this time
Set the sails
Drop anchor in the middle of a storm
I've got a conversation
And a bottle to keep us warm
Let's break it on the bow
as it sinks
hummingbird with hammers for wings
the swan doesnt remember the last song it sings
Take what you love most and burn it to the ground
the smoke in the air won't leave me be
All around
Count the embers tell me
They don't look like me
They won't sing to me
If I wake in the morning I only need two more miracles to become a saint
Everything I promised everyone I'd be I just aint
Bury me with my friends
At the crossroads of dead end
And oh all my old friends
Oh Yeah I hate them
Why bother make new ones too
Just more for me to lose
Put myself in this prison called life
Got a sentence of a lifetime
But I know the warden is god
And I could get paroled at anytime
the letter begins
Dear old feuds
Don't worry I'm headed
Somewhere new
I just hope they let me in the gates
i hope they dont have a calculator to add up all my mistakes
You can't give me any more time than I already have
And then they sent me a postcard from hell
"Wish you were here"
I'm getting close
The gps says were near
Got a key to a lock that doesn't exist
got a world on my back that i cannot lift
drink the world, til its forgotten about
I never know what I'm talking about
Don't care about anybody
But the ones that are gonna carry my coffin
Will my love be the same as I left them
Will my pall bearers be the same as my bestmen?
Tell my friends to forget about becoming famous
Not that it matters this junk is so goddamned contagious
Losing it and I love being lost
Dad, tell me which is worse
Your last breath in the worst city on earth
Or your last kiss from the lips you were built to love from birth
I'm so sick of the neon lights
But every dog will have its day
And when I get mine
I'm gonna paint this world gray"

This person will probably never know how much they move me, even when they never mean to. Words hold such a powerful meaning, and we're all connected in the simplest ways, we're all made of the same things, yet we are all so different.
I have a chemical running through my veins that will never help make(keep) me sane.

it's raining.

You've always known where to find me,
I'm not the only stranger here.

Today was a good day.
Tonight was a good night.
The city is magestic at night,
On the surface it looks beautiful,
The glowing lights pave the way for imagination to come out and play.
I've missed everything for so long,
I've had nothing and I've found it all gone,
Time keeps me ticking.

Of course this played when I thought of you, of us.
It was only fitting to be running through my head.
It pays to dwell on the past,
To think what could have been and be reminded of what was.
One day nothing will be more than a memory.

"This drama sat shot gun
My eyes rained like autumn
Only the glove box knows
How the story goes

Now that this bandage is broken and the cuts left in open
I'll tell you just one thing this wasn't worth the sting"

"On a mission to gain your permission"

"Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It’s the wrong kind of place
To be thinking of you
It’s the wrong time
For somebody new
It’s a small crime
And I’ve got no excuse

Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that alright?
If you don’t shoot it how am I supposed to hold it
Is that alright?
Give my gun away when it’s loaded
Is that alright
With you?

Leave me out with the waste
This is not what I do
It’s the wrong kind of place
To be cheating on you
It’s the wrong time
She’s pulling me through
It’s a small crime
And I’ve got no excuse"

-Damien Rice, 9 Crimes

It was more than worth it. Long drives in the car always pay off when you know the other end will be fun. Sometimes I wonder if we can ever go back.

I keep feeling like I am clawing my way forward,
but not really getting anywhere.
Sometimes it feels like everything is stacked up against me,
but I keep going.
One day I'll be there,
and I'll look back and know I deserve it.

"Everywhere I'm turning
Nothing seems complete
I stand up and I'm searching
For the better part of me

I hang my head from sorrow
State of humanity
I wear it on my shoulders
Gotta find the strength in me

'Cause I am a Superwoman
Yes I am, yes she is
Still when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest
With an S on my chest
Oh yes, I'm a Superwoman"
-Alicia Keys

“We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.”
-Oscar Wilde

it's been a long time coming
but it's all setting in
how does it rain when there are blue skies?
i'm watching the shadows dance
and the skies cry
sometimes i wish i believed all the lies
sometimes i wish i believed in it all
i've never wished harder for all my wishes to come true.

It's pouring with rain outside.
Should I take it as a sign?

"It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend." -William Blake

"They don’t even know what it is to be a fan. Y’know? To truly love some silly little piece of music, or some band, so much that it hurts"
-Almost Famous

It's kind of hot today. It's weird seeing that it has been so cold lately and is now so hot.
I feel so tired, and not the sleepy kind of tired, the exhausted kind of tired.
I think I need to get back to writing, I've got the urge.

This was a while ago, but it was still equally as amazing. He is so amazing, yet he doesn't know it. He is the type of guy who will keep doing everything because he loves it, and because he loves the people he meets, he won't ever care if it is a huge success or just gets him through life. He doesn't need to be the name in lights.
I was in awe the entire night, and I don't jump on bandwagons and people like this very often. I don't run my mouth and gush about them. I can be stupid about things I like, but when it comes to people like him, to people that inspire me, then the words I say about them take on a different meaning and everything becomes a million times more passionate. It turns from an interest into a passion, it's something more.

I am starting to get lonley at home all by myself. This is a result of the loneliness and boredom.
If I hadn't deleted all the images of bands/people off my computer it may have been different images, but I did.
I will only collect images I like from now on. The rest will not take up space on my laptop for no reason. That is, until I get an external hardrive, then I'll keep whatever the fuck I like.

in⋅spi⋅ra⋅tion
–noun
1. an inspiring or animating action or influence: I cannot write poetry without inspiration.
2. something inspired, as an idea.
3. a result of inspired activity.
4. a thing or person that inspires.
5. Theology. a.
a. divine influence directly and immediately exerted upon the mind or soul.
b. the divine quality of the writings or words of a person so influenced.
6. the drawing of air into the lungs; inhalation.
7. the act of inspiring; quality or state of being inspired.
Synonyms:
1. stimulus, incitement.

in·spi·ra·tion
1.
1. Stimulation of the mind or emotions to a high level of feeling or activity.
2. The condition of being so stimulated.
2. An agency, such as a person or work of art, that moves the intellect or emotions or prompts action or invention.
3. Something, such as a sudden creative act or idea, that is inspired.
4. The quality of inspiring or exalting: a painting full of inspiration.
5. Divine guidance or influence exerted directly on the mind and soul of humankind.
6. The act of drawing in, especially the inhalation of air into the lungs.

Home alone, and I have to say it is awesome. Only because I am sick and it means that I get to wallow in my own self pity and not be made to do anything seeing as standing up is not in my strong points at the moment.
I had a delirious moment this morning where I didn't know what day it was, and I had no idea if I had taken my medication or not. Thank God for phones with dates, and days written on the medication packets, otherwise I would have been screwed. It's scary when shit like that happens though, not having any idea what day it is and what you are supposed to be doing, or have done.
I would like to think that I am feeling better than yesterday, but I think that it could be a sham.
It rained this morning, maybe nothing huge, but it was nice. We are so in need of rain, we will be for a long time, so every time it rains a little bit of me rejoices, not only because I love rain, but because I know that we need it, desperately.
I've been watching Sound Relief, which so far has been good. It's amazing that we are all coming together for this, we have raised obscene amounts of money in a short amount of time, and it shows how much we support each other. It is also amazing that so many bands are reforming just for this, for this cause, for their country and their fans. This has been the worst disaster(s) that Australia has seen and it is good to know that we have the capacity to raise and react so quickly and well.
I was just informed, although I can be sure how reliable this is to be perfectly honest, that all the fires are out. If it is true than I am more than happy, them being contained would have been equally as amazing, but them being out, that is just such good news. Now we can focus on rebuilding.
I have decided that the Gerard Way quote I used in that picture is one that I love. I think the message is something that so many people need to hear.
I am contemplating an afternoon nap, but I don't think it will help me later on tonight when I need to sleep. It's like being caught between a rock and a hard place.

I don't care what you think.
I don't care what you do.
I have to remember that this is you.
This is your life.
That is their life.
I am not in control of everything.
I can't control everything.
I have to let the mistakes happen.
Even if it means you all fall flat on your faces.

Thanks for the heads up.
It's nice to know that you can move on so quickly.
I guess it wasn't love after all.

I am beginning to lose faith in the human race.
I'm not looking for any happy endings.
I don't want anyone to know I existed.

i need to buy a camera. end of story.

It's strange how faces can change things. How faces grow with age, with emotion, with time.
If we could go back, would you want to?

reading list:
persusion - jane austen
northanger abbey - jane austen
the plague of doves - jane austen
sense and sensibility - jane austen
jane eyre - charlotte bronte
the great gatsby - f. scott fitzgerald
the picture of dorian grey - oscar wilde
the knight - gene wolfe
the folk of the faraway tree - enid blyton
the wind-up bird chronicles - haruki murakami
angela carter's book of fairytales - angela carter

i had a strange dream last night. it was something that has me questioning the way my mind works.
in my dream last night, i was back in my old hometown, only it wasn't that anymore. it was like the same setting, but a new name.
i was the new shiny object at school, i can't remember if it was university or highschool, although with the way i was able to skip out on classes it must have been university with my old school uniforms? either way, it was weird.
anyway, i had a few friends, but the majority of the school ignored me. except the football team, cliche to the max i swear. anyway, they made fun of me, for some reason.
anyway. i got the bus home from scchool one day, and i decided that i needed to stop of at mc donalds or kfc to get some food. i don't know why, because that is not normally something i do, ever.
anyway, a guy from the football team followed me. it's funny because throughout this whole dream, he did not get named, he remained nameless while everyone else seemed to be dubed with a name.
anyway, i started to panic and get scared. so i skipped the food and went straight on home. or at least tried to.
he cornered me, and decieded that he wanted some. i fought back to the best of my ability, but he was physically stronger than me. it felt so real, i was kicking, screaming, scratching, yelling, i was doing everything i could to fight him off but nothing worked. no one bothered to come to my rescue, even though we were suddenly out the front of a police station.
he raped me and got away with it.
my crazy dream didn't end here though. my head tells me that i would be depressed and shit after this, but i barely was, i stayed away from school for two days and then went back and pretended nothing happened. i even avoided him like he avoided me.
cue four months later and i find out i am pregnant. in the drama of the dream, it took me forever to tell him because he was avoiding me like i was avoiding him.
anyway, i ended up moving out of home and getting my own appartment. where i found the money to do all this i don't know.
i continued to go to school as if being pregnant was not something that would make that hard.
in some form of complicated soap operah, me and this so called boy, managed to kind of make things up and i was determined to let him be part of the childs life. the child ended up being a boy i called david.
by the end of the dream, we were together and the rape had been tossed aside as being fine.
i don't understand how my mind works, because i don't care fo the circumstances, i would not be so willing to forgive anyone who betrayed me like that. or abused me like that.
needless to say i think my mind is fucked up.
i could dream about anything, and i dream about that.

i hate that i can't see the beauty in anything anymore.
everything is sucha chore.
the things i love are fading.
the ones that care are spacing.

we are invin(s)cible

i love (not) being normal.
little things make bigger things when we leave them undone.
i'm in love with being alone.
i am in awe of the darkness.
i am filled with "i wish" and "what if".
i used my last wish on a falling star.
childlike innocence and false pretences.
i'm pretending i just don't care.
i'm (not) so stuck.
i'm sinking.
back to where i was before.
this time i feel like i am not going to make it.

why i love movies.

"When King Lear dies in Act V, do you know what Shakespeare has written? He's written "He dies." That's all, nothing more. No fanfare, no metaphor, no brilliant final words. The culmination of the most influential work of dramatic literature is "He dies." It takes Shakespeare, a genius, to come up with "He dies." And yet every time I read those two words, I find myself overwhelmed with dysphoria. And I know it's only natural to be sad, but not because of the words "He dies." but because of the life we saw prior to the words.
I've lived all five of my acts, Mahoney, and I am not asking you to be happy that I must go. I'm only asking that you turn the page, continue reading... and let the next story begin. And if anyone asks what became of me, you relate my life in all its wonder, and end it with a simple and modest "He died."...
Your life is an occasion. Rise to it."

"All stories, even the ones we love, must eventually come to an end and when they do, it's only an opportunity for another story to begin."

"Great. Well done. Now we wait. "
"No. We breathe. We pulse. We regenerate. Our hearts beat. Our minds create. Our souls ingest. 37 seconds, well used, is a lifetime. "

i'm (not) so stuck (on you)

i feel so disconnected from everything and everyone
i don't seem to care anymore,
once again.
i can't be the advice giver, the shoulder, the arms to run to
i'm just not there anymore
distance is supposed to make everything better, make me love you more
somehow nothing works the way it should
counting it down