I think I had another "life changing" event in my life today. They always seem to come around when you least expect it, usually from situations you wouldn't think they'd come from.
Today I went at saw Christopher Gutierrez speak for the second time in my life. The first time was 7 months ago, give or take. He's nothing special, just a normal guy who has lived a somewhat ordinary life, sure it has had many moments of amazing and what not, but he will be the last person on the planet to ever think of himself as anything more important than you or I.
His speaking today made me overthink things, and look at things from a different perspective. It even made me look back at some of the things that made me the person I am, those small events that we all close off and try to forget because lord knows we might not exactly be proud of them. He makes me look at those times in a different light.
I am a firm believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason" and what not. I do think that things are meant to happen and they happen for a reason. I think we can learn something from everything we do, sometimes it just takes a long time to realize the lesson.
So I am sitting here blogging, because the internet seems to be a massive part of everyone's lives these days. But I am seriously rethinking everything about my life right now, including some of the friends I have.
I guess I am at a "crossroads" or something, because I don't know where I am going or even what I am doing. I'll figure it all out, a little bit at a time.
I can honestly say that I haven't felt this way in a while. It's almost like I've hit a brick wall and it's time for me to make up my mind with how I am going to get through it. Do I break it down? Climb over it? Blow it up?
There are so many choices and it is hard to know what is the right one, but I at least know there can't be a wrong one. There can't be a wrong answer when it comes to making life choices, just a long way round and a series of lessons learnt the hard way.
Another thing that really hit hard today was being the person you really want to be. Living your own life deliberate.
I try to be the best person I can be, but I think that is a little different from living your life the way you want to. I strive to be the best and treat people fairly, but that doesn't exactly mean I am becoming the person I want to be. I still haven't decided what I want to be. Do I want to be a writer? A musician? A teacher? A doctor? What is it that I want to be?
I want to push myself to live this amazing life, but I always feel like I come up short because I either don't know where to start or think that my life could never be as amazing as someone else's already is. I critic myself in the harshest possible way.
I can feel the wheels turning and my brain ticking over, I know that I'll be thinking about this for ages, trying to get my life on the right track and wondering how it is that I, this small person, fit into the big picture, or even what my purpose is.