everything happens for a reason
i have to keep telling myself that
i might not see it now
but there is a reason that it happened
life continues even when you want it to stop
the world turns
people laugh
people cry
we love
we hurt
it just keeps going
nothing lasts forever
but nothing ever really ends
memories are eternal

I think I had another "life changing" event in my life today. They always seem to come around when you least expect it, usually from situations you wouldn't think they'd come from.
Today I went at saw Christopher Gutierrez speak for the second time in my life. The first time was 7 months ago, give or take. He's nothing special, just a normal guy who has lived a somewhat ordinary life, sure it has had many moments of amazing and what not, but he will be the last person on the planet to ever think of himself as anything more important than you or I.
His speaking today made me overthink things, and look at things from a different perspective. It even made me look back at some of the things that made me the person I am, those small events that we all close off and try to forget because lord knows we might not exactly be proud of them. He makes me look at those times in a different light.
I am a firm believer in the saying "everything happens for a reason" and what not. I do think that things are meant to happen and they happen for a reason. I think we can learn something from everything we do, sometimes it just takes a long time to realize the lesson.
So I am sitting here blogging, because the internet seems to be a massive part of everyone's lives these days. But I am seriously rethinking everything about my life right now, including some of the friends I have.
I guess I am at a "crossroads" or something, because I don't know where I am going or even what I am doing. I'll figure it all out, a little bit at a time.
I can honestly say that I haven't felt this way in a while. It's almost like I've hit a brick wall and it's time for me to make up my mind with how I am going to get through it. Do I break it down? Climb over it? Blow it up?
There are so many choices and it is hard to know what is the right one, but I at least know there can't be a wrong one. There can't be a wrong answer when it comes to making life choices, just a long way round and a series of lessons learnt the hard way.
Another thing that really hit hard today was being the person you really want to be. Living your own life deliberate.
I try to be the best person I can be, but I think that is a little different from living your life the way you want to. I strive to be the best and treat people fairly, but that doesn't exactly mean I am becoming the person I want to be. I still haven't decided what I want to be. Do I want to be a writer? A musician? A teacher? A doctor? What is it that I want to be?
I want to push myself to live this amazing life, but I always feel like I come up short because I either don't know where to start or think that my life could never be as amazing as someone else's already is. I critic myself in the harshest possible way.
I can feel the wheels turning and my brain ticking over, I know that I'll be thinking about this for ages, trying to get my life on the right track and wondering how it is that I, this small person, fit into the big picture, or even what my purpose is.

I wish that you'd just bite the bullet and make a move.
Rejection is always painful though, and this holds us all back.
I'm not going to pretend like I'm not scared.
I'm scared.
I wish that wishing made any difference in the world.
I gave up on it a long time ago.
Doesn't mean I don't want it to happen.
It just means that I am distancing myself from getting hurt.
I always do this.
It feels safer.
I'm not perfect.
We all want love and to be loved. The truth is that it is all around us all the time.
Our family loves us.
Our friends love us.
Our pets love us.
Our version of God loves us.
Strangers love us.
I love the idea of us.
Sometimes I give up on thinking there is a 'Jack' for me, or a 'Sid'.
Sometimes I give up on ever thinking I'll be happy.
Then I remember that happiness comes and goes. It's not ever a constant.
When it's here I'm awesome.
When it's gone I'm in agony.
I smile at all the bright lights of the city.
They're the only thing I see at night.
The stars seem too far away.
I'll dream about how good we could be.
And I'll never live up to how hard I dream.

he was in my dream last night.
i just need a moment where i am not thinking about anything.

I wish you were here right now. Right this second. I want your arms around me.
I just want you.
Thanks for the text out of the blue. It restored a little faith from me to you.

"When I was younger I saw my daddy cry
and curse at the wind.
He broke his own heart and I watched
as he tried to reassemble it.

And my momma swore
that she would never let herself forget.
And that was the day that I promised
I'd never sing of love if it does not exist.

But Darling,
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

Maybe I know somewhere
deep in my soul
that love never lasts.
And we've got to find other ways
to make it alone.
Keep a straight face.
And I've always lived like this
keeping a comfortable distance.
And up until now I had sworn to myself
that I'm content with loneliness.

Because none of it was ever worth the risk.

Well you are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

I've got a tight grip on reality,
but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
I know you're leaving in the morning
when you wake up.
Leave me with some kind of proof its not a dream.

You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.
You are the only exception.

I'm on my way to believing
And I'm on my way to believing"

-Paramore, 'The Only Exception'

"Next time you point a finger,

I might have to bend it back and break it off,

Next time you point a finger,

I'll point you to the mirror"

-Paramore